So I welcomed in the New Year with the renewed knowledge of how awkward a person I am vocally. I find that I never know the right things to say so I end up sounding stupid, snarky, or completely mad (crazy). I feel that there is never a situation where I say the right thing, but I came to that conclusion a while ago and used it to my "advantage" (somewhat).
The stupid thing I turned into a "dumb blonde" thing. I'm sorry people for using the stereotype to my advantage. But hey, it's there already, might as well prosper from it. So whenever I say the wrong thing in a stupid way it's chalked up to hair color. I trick I used to pull a lot in high school (and still occasionally) is I would just put a blank look on my face and "space out" when I knew that I really had nothing to contribute, but if I looked as though I were a part of whatever conversation was going on I would be expected to contribute.
Snarky remarks come out of my mouth right and left. I used to keep quiet because I knew that what I had to say (or contribute) would not be helpful or wanted by other people. Then my Mom got mad at me because she never knew what I was thinking because I was quiet about everything (believe me, that's how often the wrong thing pops into my head). That's when I snapped and I'm sure that she regrets ever telling me to open my mouth. Yes, we can all blame her for me always speaking my mind. Although, small kudos to me because I've learned how to sometimes control it and keep the funny, yet rude, remarks to myself (or the people I text...I need an outlet somewhere). Don't blame me, blame my mother people. Look what she has done to society.
Then I come off as crazy. Like the step-second-adopted-twice-over-niece-of-your-nephew-who-was-dropped-on-her-head-at-birth (and repeatedly after that) kind of crazy. I sometimes wonder why people hang out with me at all. It's not often, which is good, but when it happens, oh man. I'm embarrassed for myself, my family, my friends, people I don't even know, because they may come across me (even once) in their lifetime. It's like every full moon I open my mouth and howl the thing that makes people move chairs away from me. I'm a looney. Sad days.
So all this ends up with me being socially inept, but honestly I've tried to work on it. Seriously, I have. Maybe if you have known me for a while you will have noticed the progress I have made (maybe you just ignore me and that's fine too). I thought my interactions with people have risen and I was doing good...then I was reminded of my biggest flaw of all time. (Whisper) I am the worst person to talk to on the phone (end of whisper).
I KNOW!!! I've tried to overcome it, but I have serious issues with using the telephone. I've even fooled myself into thinking that I've gotten better, but then I realized that it's the people on the other side of the call that make it work. If we have good conversations on the phone then you are the one who has the amazing God given talent of "being an expert phone conversationalist". I was trying to talk to one of my best friends on the phone and I just felt so sorry for her.
I wanted to apologize during the conversation because it literally sucked a thousand times worse than Taco Bell's mild sauce in a fresh paper cut (believe me, that sucks!) I wanted to be able to talk to her and tell her many strange and wonderful things, but all I could think of was "you suck", "why do you even answer your phone", "think of something to say" and "if you can't think of something real, make it up, tell her you saw sasquatch or something". I feel that that phone conversation was the basic equivalent of being on a blind date, having nothing to talk about and realizing that you are out with your step-second-adopted-twice-over-niece-of-your-nephew-who-was-dropped-on-her-head-at-birth. I cringe thinking about it.
Goodness, of all the social problems I have when I open my mouth it's a million times worse when I can't. She must think I had something better to do (I didn't), I hate her guts (I don't), I never want to see her again (not true, I'm finding a way to see her in March). There is no hope for me. I think about it and the people I have good phone conversations are the people I have known from birth and Justin. Maybe because they have unconditional love for me and I have awkward conversations like that with them too, but don't realize it. Oh my gosh!!! That's it. I don't ever want to use the phone again, because I'm awkward and unsociable and only do well in person (subjective). So text me, show up at my door, hit me in the face and if you call me expect to have a brief conversation (if one at all) or be able to carry the conversation on all by your lonesome because this blonde is spacing out.
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4 comments:
Oh Ashleigh. We are like two peas in a pod, except I am this misshapen and horrifically unpleasing pea while you are the normal spherical green pea that is delicious whether eaten right out of the pod or mixed in with other vegetables.
I am exactly like you on the phone. I don't blame myself though (too narcissistic) because sometimes I have really good conversations with people. I think I'm mediocre and that there are some people that are also mediocre with whom I can speak and there are also some people who are SUPER FANTASTIC with whom it is a pleasure to speak and that there are some people who are simply sub par and don't contribute to the conversation and force me to ask pointed questions to draw out interaction or lapse into awkward silences while I try to think of something else of interest.
It could also possibly be that you haven't communicated with a person in too long of a time and don't have a common base. Big important things that have happened since you last spoke are too hard to remember or too easily summarized and little, interesting things seem too trivial to relate with someone you haven't spoken with in so long.
ANYWAY, the whole point is that you shouldn't blame yourself because you're delightful.
LOL! We are too much the same. I am actually quite relieved that you feel the same way because there have been many times where I feel stupid talking on the phine to you and others cause there is not a whole lot to say. I think it has to be a Lutes family thing, we are all like that. Granted there are a small few who are great with carrying the coversations but for the most part we stink at it. That is not to say that I adore you and you are without a doubt one of my favorite people, but, life is way less complicated and tons more fun when we are together in person! You are amazing!
We totally inherited this from mom.
Heather is right!
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