Sacré bleu, it's sacrilegious! (That's the only warning you get...I'm serious)

(Okay,if you didn't take the title into account let me warn you that if you love to pray. No, if you love to have long prayers, this may not be your blog of choice. Once I post it I expect to be struck by lightning...if you read it, you may be going down with me. Okay, maybe just reading it will be okay, but no laughing and whatever you do don't agree with me or I'll have to dust off a space in hell for you to sit with me...That's it.)

Here it is. I'm saying it. I feel inept when I pray. It should be easy, shouldn't it? I was taught in primary how to pray, primary! But I feel that there are a bunch of primary kids running around out there that are so much better at praying then I am (and their parents!) I have had years more experience than them so why do I feel like I suck so much?

So basically a prayer is:
1. Introduction
2. Thank you
3. Asking and pleading
4. Sayonara

It sounds simple and I thought I was okay at it. Then I realized (when I was 4ish?) that my Mom's prayers were so long! She was on her knees for like 30 minutes (maybe less, it felt like hours in truth). So I felt my little prayers needed some length and I started to bless "the good people and the bad people and everybody else", "the rich people and the poor people and everyone else", "the tall people and the short people and everyone else" - pick two opposing adjectives add on everyone else and you can be sure it was in my prayer. It was awesome! My prayers went from 10 seconds to 10 minutes! I was amazing! (Later I found out that my parents essentially drew straws to see who had to listen to my prayer for the night; doesn't help my self esteem now...I shouldn't even want to pray anymore, but I do...privately). I now realize that she had 9 kids to pray about and I'm assuming that is where the length came from (especially for the seventh one).

When I am asked to pray in public my palms get sweaty, my face flushes, my stomach turns and I feel like throwing up. People are going to judge my prayer and think I don't love the church as much as they do because my prayers are short, sweet and to the point. Publicly I feel that since I am praying on their behalf I need to make it long, drawn out and vague(ish).

This is how they want me to pray:
1. Our dear, most kind and gracious, Heavenly Father who is in heaven (or what ever else they feel like adding in)...
2. We thank thee for the snow (I HATE THE SNOW - I don't care if it got rid of a drought!) and for everything else people don't really appreciate, but thanks!
3. Please bless the missionaries and the troops and that person who is sick in the ward, but I can never remember her name because frankly she is a beast and I don't like her, but please watch over her. Also make sure we remember every last thing that is mentioned in this meeting and those to come. I don't want to forget about that "thank"simony where we learned how nice that girl in that one apartment just knew that other girl in that other apartment was having a bad day and made her cookies and then smiled at a hobo and saved a kitten out of a tree! Oh yes, please also bless that we have more snow!!!
4. (The closing is my favorite part because if you play your cards right it can be longer than the actual prayer!) Everything that was said in the holy and sacred name of our big brother, our friend, our Savior, the redeemer of the world, thy son - everything listed in Isaiah 9:6 - EVEN Jesus Christ (oh, it was him, you were referencing) amen.

Do you see how this could be overwhelming? I just don't know what to say when I get up there. I'm going to forget something, I should have written a script to memorize, I didn't even get to warm up my voice!!! (Coca Cola! Pepsi! Mountain Dew! or should I warm up with caffeine free drinks...Diet Coca Cola! Diet Pepsi! Sprite! Orange Fanta!) I need this time to myself so I can research a good prayer and do it...maybe. Okay, I can't. I'm the girl who thought that "no harm or accident" was "no arm or lasent"(I know it's not a word, it didn't make sense to me either, but I always said it because that's what I thought I had to say). I;m going to slur my words together and some poor little girl will think "Our dear Heavenly Father" is "O drivenly feather". Could you imagine the uproar at family dinner? I don't want that on my conscience! Also, I'm going to forget to bless the troops and then another war on top of this one will break out and it's going to be my fault. Or I won't remember whose name it EVEN is in and then I'll have to splutter incoherent adjectives, mumble and say amen.

Do you see the predicament I am in every time I am asked to say the prayer? I know God doesn't mind that I am short and sweet, he made me that way and if I rambled he would dread listening to my prayers like my parents did when I was little (and the things that are "cute" when your little are totally "un-cute" when you are older) and there isn't anyone he can pass the buck to! It's the rest of the people in the church that feel that longer is better and then everyone in the congregation (and the bishopric) that don't plan on taking a nap during the prayer really wish that they could open their eyes and see who else is opening their eyes and then look down ashamedly because they were caught not enjoying the long prayer and with their eyes open staring at the other person with their eyes open...see how long prayers only hurt the congregation?

We need to all go to primary for the prayer lesson (and possible the testimony one) so we don't go wrong and make people feel bad for short prayers. I say, "Rock on short prayers! Rock on!!!"

P.S. Just so you know, I love to pray. I think it's the best. For sure.